I'm only telling you this story as my friend Karen nearly peed with laughter when I mentioned it to her the other night. She said you'd all love it so, here goes.
A couple of months back we were all sat down to dinner. I'm not sure how it happened but we've all got our dedicated places at the table. Very Walton Mountain. Anyway, as you look in towards the kitchen you will find no. 3 at the head of the table, no. 1 on his right hand side and no. 2 on his left. I sit beside no. 2 and Himself beside no.. 1. I like it, means I'm not the one hopping up and down getting whatever has been forgotten when the table was laid (Ha, I like that. "Table laid" . . . yeah, no. 3 crashes some knives and forks down where people sit, with such good grace I never ask him to put out glasses).
We're all sat there and everyone is yapping away and I'm wondering how is this my life (in a good way) when no. 3 pipes up. "I know how babies are made" "Oh really?" says I. "yeah" he said, "Me and no. 2 saw the book you bought no. 1 and we read it'"
Now, the book in question, is a cartoony, sketchy kind've book for 12 - 14 year old boys. Though, my gut tells me 14 year old boys are far more advanced than that book lets on, but that is neither here nor there. The book says things like 'testicles' are another name for your balls, scrotum, nuts, ball sack etc. Quite informal stuff. Also tells you that you really should shower more than twice a week and that you will get hairy, interested in girls, spots, tired and discover the joys of er, alone time. Thankfully it doesn't spell out what that alone time entails or no. 3 would have us driven demented.
"Yeah', he says/ "The man puts his penis into the woman's vagina and th. . . . ."
Cue no. 1 going 'ah, jesus' and no. 2 covering his ears and going lalalalalalalalalaalal. Me? I was torn between the two. Himself just laughed and kept eating his dinner.
Then, as no. 3 kept babbling on nd on he asked "but how does the penis go into the vagina????"
I think himself had an out of body experience or something because, before you knew it he had . . . jesus....
Okay, time for some audience participation here. Taking your left hand, join your pointy finger and your thumb together to make a circle . . (you following me?? you blushing yet??) then, using the pointy finger of your right hand . . . yup, slide your pointy finger into the circle and remove.
The kids nearly pissed themselves laughing. I nearly died on the spot. Himself went puce and rejoined our little world.
I don't know which of the five of us was more gobsmacked. They pissed themselves laughing, I begged for a bit of . . . niceness, PLEASE?????
Needless to say, they still do it. Just to wind me up.
I don't think either myself or Himself will ever be asked to give talks on, the other thing, you know yourself.