I can't effing sleep

There were many reasons for this I think so, in no particular order:

• My feet are bloody freezing
• I'm overtired due to a fairly mental night last night. Started off on a high of giggling and laughing (I'll tell you tomorrow) with one friend and an hour or so of mopping up the tears of another.
• I have a headache, probably because I am tired.
• It sounds like there is a monster under my bed, you know how much I fear under my bed, but I have a funny feeling it's just Billy acting the bollix and sleeping there (as is his won't).  Thing is, I am too afraid to look under the bed just in case it really is a monster and it eats my  face off.
• The kids put on the original Willy Wonks today and those oompa  loompas are really fucking scary.
• I can't get the phrase "just saying'" out of my head. Someone said it to me today and it's really bloody annoying me,  I think that it is the most passive aggressive expression in use these days. "Just sayin" my arse. Yeah, you are giving your opinion because everyone is entitled to it, right?
• I had no dinner because I hate pasta.
• Friends. Friends can be the biggest pain in the arse at times.
• Social media (the irony of this point is not lost on me). I was reminded today of the binders I have that are full of letters and cards I received pre email and text. It really irritates me that most of my interaction with friends these days is via Facebook, text or twitter. When did I get so bad at picking up the phone or meeting for coffee? I love when I meet my friends in person so why have I allowed myself to use Facebook as my main form of communication with most of them?
• People who dump their shit in your lap and then aren't impressed when you pick it up and dump it back in theirs.
• Did I mention my feet are completely and utterly freezing?  I would get out of bed to get thick socks on (might even close the window whilst I'm up) but I'm afraid there is w monster under my bed,

Ha! It really does catch crumbs!

I was chatting to Karen earlier and, I have no idea how, but pubic hair came up.  She prefers the clean look, I like the clean look but . . am lazy and forget to get waxed (on purpose) so, cackle, can be a bit bouffant at times.  She reckons we don't need it at all and I said 'we do, for keeping germs and stuff out'.  According to herself, and she's a doctor of some sorts, that's shite.  

So we googled it.  It does keep stuff out (not puppies, hedgehogs and crumbs but things like herpes?!).  Who knew??  Yup, apparently keeping it all clean down there is leaving skin and teeny, tiny cuts cuts exposed which makes it easier for you to catch stuff (not puppies or crumbs mind).

Pubic hair also acts as a buffer and prevents friction injuries?!  Don't know what that person gets up to but . .  friction injuries?  I do like the idea of not being the victim of friction injuries so that's another reason for me to keep my (as Mabel calls it) full bush.  Cackle, always think that term 'bush' is very Jilly Cooper.  

I once got accidentally hollywooded.  How in the name of Jesus I ended up with a bald yoohoo is beyond me but I did.  I thought I was asking for a Brazilian but nope, I had it all whipped off.  According to the beautician, who I know well (now I know her even better) I have a beautiful labia!  Even Himself has never said that to me.  Yup, apparently I am very symmetrical.  Wish the rest of me was.  I came home from that waxing, red in face, light of pocket and showed it to Himself.  He was intrigued and would happily have played for hours but . .  it was so sore.  It was sore for days.  Then it was itchy for days.  Oh the humanity.

Never again.

So Karen is one for whom less is more and me?  I'm for the easiest, less itchy option.

I once got chatting to a mate of my brother and, again, (how?) pubic hair came up.  He said he preferred them to look natural.  I was astounded until I realised that he was 21 and natural, to him, was bald as a coot to me.  Apparently he keeps himself very bald there too.  He's a back, sack and crack man.  

Shudder, when you have a Hollywood they wax your bum too.  Nothing like having hot waxed slathered there to make you ponder the reason to life.

I don't like smooth men.  Himself, as you may know, was knit.  It looks like two of my sons are going to turn out to having been knit too.  I like it.  Okay, so the first time I saw Himself naked I nearly shat myself but . .  the two times he got his back waxed . .  nah, it wasn't for me.  Didn't feel like him.  Cackle, people are forever remarking on the fact that he only ever ventures outside in t-shirts and a hoodie, even in the depths of winter without feeling the cold.  Of course he doesn't, he has his whole gorilla thing going on.

Mind you, I do occasionally worry that one day myself and Himself are going to end up velcroed together.  I shall go for a tidy lady garden if you don't mind, but not a bald one.  Never a bald one.

Be careful what you wish for

Years ago, when I was working and years ago when the boys were small and constantly needed me, all I wanted was a couple of hours alone.  Just a couple of hours to get things done in the house and sit and read a book.  Go shopping, anything.  Just be alone.

Fast forward 6 years and here I am.  Alone.

No. 1 is in bed, he will be up and out within an hour.  Won't see him until 6pm.  Nos. 2 and 3 are at school and, when they come home, they too will be out and about and having fun.  Himself is at college.

Me?  I'm home.  Alone.  And.  Bored, and dare I say it?  Lonely.

Fuck.

I always imagined, when I got to the point where the kids still needed me but needed me less I'd have a nice life going for myself.  I thought I'd be either going to the gym or meeting mates for coffee.  I thought I'd be working part time at a job I enjoy and only do because I want to get out of the house for a couple of hours whilst the kids are at school.

Yeah, not how it all turned out.  I do have a part time job (ish), I make cakes.  This means I am busy Thursday and Friday.  Nothing too taxing (unless it's communion season).  The rest of the time I do housework.  I swear to God, I am living ground hog day.  Every day I get up, empty dishwasher, load washing machine, hoover, dust, grumble about kids not feeding animals or picking up after themselves.  Pick up all the dog pooh in the garden and .  .. it's still not 11.30.  Kids don't finish school until 2.30.  So, for 3 hours I . .  dunno what I do.  Upload stuff to itunes, sort out photos online for an album I don't have the money to print.  Just hang around I guess.

I am starting to dislike caking.  I'm not enjoying it so much anymore, don't get me wrong, I still get a buzz out of creating something but . . . it doesn't even pay minimum wage.  I want a job where I get paid a proper wage and people appreciate what I do without constantly haggling lol.  But I can't do that yet because Himself is in college.  I am starting to resent him too and that's not really fair, is it?  He gets to go out and meet people and do stuff every day, okay so it's college work but he still gets to leave and do something.  I don't.  Most of my friends, kids in same age group, have returned to work.  The ones who don't work  yet have smaller kids, so they hang out with other mams with smaller kids.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

This is not how I planned it.  I am bored and lonely and fucking fed up with my lot.  I am fed up at having no money, I am fed up with increasing costs to live, what has become, a boring life.  When Himself lost his job I said 'as long as we can put petrol in the car we'll be grand'.  It's becoming harder to do that.  

I know I'm not alone in being broke, half the country is up shit creek but christ, it makes everything so grim.  

Right, it's 10.45.  Time to empty the washing machine and hit the menopausal mile.  I believe that is what the walk from Malahide to Portmarnock is called.  You know?  Being a Malahide Housewife isn't all it was cracked up to be.

Ah hear!!!

I'm a member of various cake pages/forums and . . . yawn.  But when did people get so bloody uptight?

One page, which I am now a moderator one . . . we rarely have to moderate as it looks after itself, well, occasionally it goes a bit batshit crazy but then it all settles down again.  Until someone suggests that maybe everyone is, like, on their 'monthlies'???  Seriously hate that nonsense.  Hate when women get irked or cross it's put down to their being hormonal rather that the situation they are moaning about being a pain in the arse.  Hmm, if a man is whingy or whiney he's simply 'stressed' (did you know that 'stressed' is 'desserts' spelled backwards?) but when a woman is whingy and moany she's on the blob or suchlike.  

Anyway, yesterday I posted, on one page, that I was pissed off with the way a woman reacted to no. 2 when he answered the phone to her.  It was 10.30am, Saturday, and she wanted to speak to me.  No. 2 was too lazy to go all the way to the top of the house so he asked if he could take a message.  She said 'no, I want to speak to the cake maker' whereupon no. 2 said 'she's not up yet I'm afraid'.  Long story short, no. 2 showed up in our bedroom.  I answered the phone, she refused my prices and then no. 2 said she had shouted at him for not being helpful  

Only me and He are allowed shout at no. 2 for not being helpful.  Not impressed with her at all.  I put all of this on the cake page and the majority of people were like "argh, what is with people?" to "give me her number and I'll ring her at a stupid hour and see what she thinks" much appreciated by the way, thanks.  But one woman, hmm, she doesn't seem to like my humour or the fact that I use the cake page to vent amongst my cake peers.  

(Side note: if you are a single person business you have no colleagues to ring up and go 'WTFuckingF????" to.  This means you go onto forums populated with similar lone business people and go 'wtff?' to).

Yup, apparently I should get a business phone, stop having my children act as receptionist, get out of bed earlier (I was tired lady) and stop creating so much drama.  

Cackle.

No.

Second page I am on.  Tis an American page, full of the most wonderful bakers and cakers from around the world and a lot of jesus freaks too.  Jesus!!!!  

One woman is thinking of quitting caking because it upsets her husband.  The majority of us said 'tough shit, he's upset. He can't take your kids because he doesn't like you making cakes?!' but a lot of the posters all offered to 'pray for her' and told her to 'stand by her man and marriage'.  Seriously!!!!  Stand by your man!!!!  The best thing about this stupidity is I have now made friends with a really lovely American woman, I emailed her and said "I don't normally send out friend requests to people I don't know but you seem like the only sane one on this thread, are all Americans like this?", she replied with "yeah, the standard American response to any dilemma is 'I'll pray for you'.  She's cool, plus she also got an email of the most god promoting one of them asking "A, are you sure you want to live your life like this?  Aren't you going to be embarrassed when you die and find out god does exist?" 

Heheheheh.

Oh, I'm being prayed for too.  Like being prayed for.  Makes me feel like I am doing something right.

So, the blog has been resumed.  This time I mean it.  I've missed it but life has been unsettled and I didn't want to write it all down for fear I tell the truth.  LOL  Seriously!!!  LAUGHING OUT LOUD HERE!!

No. 1 is now a teenager.  He has a phone life so interesting I can't bear to watch any more.

No. 2 . . . is still as sweetly odd as ever.

No. 3?  Yeah, he reckons a man saw him last week and dropped dead on the spot as he was overwhelmed by his, no. 3's, awesomeness!

See ya later 'gator.