Not just 'tired' from running around too much but tired from worrying too much. Feel overwhelmed, overloaded (thought it was W5 - turns out I'm just sinking today ) and tired. Jesus, but sometimes life just gets too much doesn't it? Y'know when you're in bed and you think you're relaxed but you realise you're tense so you try to lower your shoulders and lower them and lower them. They were up around your ears and you never noticed 'cos that's how worried you are these days. How tired you are. Really I have nothing to worry me. We're all healthy. House is paid for (ta to dead parents). No ill parents to look after like quite a few of my friends these days. But having no parents is horrible in itself. When I get this tired I realise that I have nowhere to run. No-one to rub my hair back from my face and tell me it will be alright, the way your ma did when you were little. No place to go with familiar smells and nooks and crannies to make you feel safe in your head. Not that you're in any danger, you're just tired. Tired of worrying. Tired of worrying about things you have no control over. Tired of worrying about things that will happen or not happen regardless of whether you worry or not.
Not all sweetness and light today, huh? I'll be fine, of course I will. I'm the eternal optimist. Always one to look on the bright side of life (you'll be singing that all day now lol) but some days I'd love to just crawl into bed and wait the day out. But can't do that 'cos have three lovely little boys who are determined to drive me to distraction by putting the tv on loud and then going into a different room. Who keep giving me hugs cos they can see me sinking. Actually, those hugs make me feel so weepy. Dread that they can see this sadness/tiredness/whatever in me and it will affect them. Don't think it will 'cos they're boys and small and full of sunshine.
Right, cup of tea (to cure all ills) and some weetabix in the garden. The sun has got his hat on and I'm going to try and put some order on the day. Funny how getting everything squared away in the house can make your mind a bit more ordered too. x
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