AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGh!

Can I just state, once and for all, that I hate using the phone.  Honestly.  I've blogged about this somewhere else on this page of mine but just in case anyone isn't aware I HATE THE PHONE!!!  I'd much rather meet  in person and have a chat and a laugh.  Phones are too much for me these days.  I might not have ten minutes at that particular time, much as I really want to, to dedicate to you.  Apart from the kids/cakes/life the minute I pick up the phone to chat to someone I have a smaller someone asking to be fed (again) or for juice (see borrowed boy).  I do love you and love that you ring but it is much easier to see you face to face. 

Can you imagine how pants it is when most of your business comes via the phone and you're trying to get ten minutes for that?  I mean, this is work, it puts food on the table etc. but trying to carry on that conversation with small people demanding to be fed, be allowed play a game, killing their brother????  That's hard too.  

And another thing about the phone.  My life is so all over the place at the moment that I don't want to bore people with my problems.  I bore myself with them.  Also, very selfish of me, I feel so overloaded some days that I don't want to hear your problems.  Anyone's problems love!  

I don't like the phone as much as I did when I was 18.  But I do love you.  I love you to bits and I like seeing you but sometimes we can't get it together at the same time.  You're busy or I am.  I have mates I see once every three years.  It doesn't mean I don't love them, we'd do anything for each other.  Including knowing that we're always there just not as often.  But friendships like that are the best because you know the minute you start chatting it's like you only saw each other yesterday.

It's like that with me and you my love.  You think I don't care but I do.  I love you with all my heart.  I don't have as much time for you these days but it's not a personal thing, it's just the way it is.  The funny thing about it all is that when I have more time you'll be up to your eyes in it.  You'll love that too because it's time consuming, draining, emotionally mental but it's fantastic.  You'll worry too that you don't see the people you love as much anymore but it's okay because they'll 'get it'.  Life!

I love you my love and I want to be with you more than anything.  I didn't want to lie and build up your hopes so I was just honest from the start.  I would give my right arm to be standing behind you later this year but I can't.  I love you with all my heart and it breaks my heart I can't be there but, y'lnow, circumstances.  I also, for the record, feel so cheated that all you have is me, F, and I. to stand with you.  That is unfair.  So unfair.  There is a line in a movie, which I can't remember properly, about family which basically goes along the lines of 'we're small and broken' and that is us.  We're small (smaller than we used to be) but we're not broken.  We're perfection.

I adore you.  I always have.  I love it when it's just us together having a laugh.  When you forget I'm your big sister and just let me be me.  I love you.  I really do.  Don't think I don't my friend.  I just assume because you're taller and older than most of the people (small people) I see on  daily basis that you're good to go.  I forget you're my little brother and you need me too.

Niamhxxxxx