Firstly

I know I've mentioned that I'm trying to not take anti depressants any more.  Well today I went to my GP for a check up and some blood tests.  The former 'just because' and the second because I've been coming down with one bloody thing after another for the past 8 weeks.  Which is roughly the amount of time I've been lowering the dose of the drug I'm on.  Effexor 75 btw.  A low dose by all accounts.

I've been tired, cross, tired.  Agitated and tired.  Headachey and flu-y.  All symptoms of withdrawal.  All symptoms of depression too.

I've been reading a lot about depression, not going to beat about the bush and kid myself it's post natal anymore.  The boy is 7!  And, apparently, weaning yourself off anti-depressants is hard.  You get to a point and your head and body rebel against you and make you think you are the kind of person who needs to be on these drugs forever.  I'm not knocking the drugs, just this drug!  They got me through a difficult phase in my life and I kinda think I might not be here if I hadn't taken them.  Kind've.  Hard to tell.  I just know that some days were so bloody hard I was exhausted.  The shitty part is: you know your life is good.  Everyone is healthy and happy.  You can count your blessings on two hands and need to borrow another two to continue but . . . it's hard to see and appreciate all that when it feels like you're wading through treacle.

But, I digress.  I'm coming off them because I feel 7 years is too long to be taking drugs for post natal depression.

My doctor.  Who is a fantastic GP.  My doc. doesn't seem to get the drug that was prescribed to me for too long. She basically told me that if I was having nightmares and was tired.  Cross.  Headachey etc. perhaps I should stay on them and that is my body's way of saying it needs the drug.  Of course my body wants the drug I wanted to shout.  I'm fucking addicted to a drug you and every other fucking doctor will tell you is not addictive.

But I didn't. 

Instead I told her about how those who know me, really know me, all think I'm doing great.  They can see when I'm struggling but they can see I'm still here.  Just the same.  Still Niamh.  

Thank God for friends.  I'll bloody need them.  They next phase begins in two weeks.