13 June, 2011

I'm not being hopeless

Jesus, but I need to do this more.  I actually thought as the boys got older I'd get more time for this but that is not the case.  The bigger they get the more they need to run so the more time we spend outdoors.  Plus, I've been fairly up to my oxters in markets, cakes, sick kids, and . . .  I'm coming off my post baby # 2 anti-depressants.  I feel that it's not quite right to call it post natal depression anymore and therefore time to see if I can stand by myself.  Not been writing as I've been up early and out either walking or running and then making like a hamster and sleeping the afternoon away.  
Not tired anymore so time to start writing again.  Lots of other excuses (look at me looking for excuses to not write about depression?!), weather was good so lots of park and beach time, lots of playtime and lots of work.  Lots and lots of work.
The post-natal stuff?  I had a rough time with #2.  The pregnancy was fantastic and then it went tits over arse and it turned out I had grade 4 placenta previa and #2 ended up being born after a two week, blood leaky hospital stay.  By emergency section.  We then moved house.  Were in a car crash and my dad died.  So, funnily enough, I ended up being diagnosed with depression.  Basically, I think it's safe to say that anyone going through that much shit at the one time would end up a bit loopy.  I became very paranoid and self critical and rigid.  I made life very hard for myself.  So off to the doctor I went and drugs were prescribed.  They worked too but ultimately I found them disagreeing with me.  The drug is called Effexor 75 and whist it saved my sanity some of the side effects were harder to put up with.  Brain zaps for one!
So, kickboxing started to boost all those natural endorphins.  I improved my diet and well, time for a change.  So I went to my new doctor and asked her to help me come off the anti-ds.  It's a slow process and initially very hard but so far, touch wood, so good.  Okay, so the first week left me shattered as I had night terrors and hallucinations (they don't mention that on the box) but getting plenty of fresh air every day and taking up running meant I fell into bed exhausted and that helped.
Didn't get to do any kickboxing or running last week as I had vertigo (always one thing or another) and jesus, but last week was hard.  I was miserable.  Couldn't stop crying.  Couldn't stop thinking.  Couldn't move.  Contemplated just saying 'feck it' and staying on the drugs forever but I really, really want to see if I'm still me without them.  Am worried that they are, I dunno but . . . want to see if I can be a nice person without them.  Like I used to be.
This week I have a flu type thing and no running or anything again.  But my mood is better.  So perhaps my system has gotten used to the new lower dose.  Just in time to lower it again lol.  

Ether way, the above is one of a few reasons why I've not been in touch.  Oh, and a new box set.  This time we're watching Fringe.  And it's brilliant.

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