Key Merchant

My hand hurts, like really hurts.  It's stinging and it's making me feel sick.  I've never had a sore hand that so made me feel like puking.

I love A. with all my heart.  I'd die for him.  Today I could have gladly killed him.  He had a bit of a strop when I asked him to turn off the telly.  Apparently the programme wasn't over and it was the same programme only a different episode?!  To me, that meant, it was over and a new cartoon was on.  I turned off the TV and asked that he tidy up the toys that were out and about.  I left the room.

He started on O. Shouting at him and general arsey-ness.  

I went back into the room and told him to stop, whereupon he started whining and mimicking O's voice and taking the piss generally.  I told him that I hadn't heard O say any of those things but it was beside the point as I only wanted him to pick up the toys, I stepped out of the room and I could hear him slamming stuff around and giving out.  I went in, grabbed him and made to hoosh him upstairs and away from me.

I smacked him.  I smacked his bum twice ad his arm once.  He screamed at me.  I told him I hated him.

He's 8 and I'm 41.

I told him to get into the garden, he ran out screaming and shouting.  I sat at the table.

My hand hurt.  It stung and it made me feel sick.

I went out to him and told him to keep shouting and to get it out of his system and that I was sorry for slapping him.  I also told him that he had it in him to put me in either the nut house or prison with his antics. 

I apologised and apologised and I still feel like shit.  I feel like the bloke off those TV programmes who beats the crap out of his wife and apologises and says it will never happen again.  The husband who says 'it's your fault I do this'.  

Fuck.  I reckon, in A's 8 years on the planet I've slapped him twice.  I've also apologised profusely twice.  As a kid I was slapped more than twice, never apologised to.  Not mentally scared or anything like that but .. ... we were never apologised to when we were kids.  Were we?

My hand stings and I feel like puking.  A has just come in to ask for an ice pop and to give me a hug.  I can't eat my dinner I feel so awful but I returned his hug and held on tight.  

I love him so much and hate that I said I hated him.

Fuck.