The first man in your life

Is your dad.  Mine has been dead for 9 years now.  He is gone as long as no. 2 has been on the planet, more or less.  It's lashing rain at the moment and the house is quiet.  It was lashing rain the day he died too, my house wasn't quiet that day.  I was on maternity leave and had a three year old and a baby to look after.  Had just discovered I was pregnant as well.  In fact, I had only just told my dad a few days before.

We had a very complicated relationship.  It's only now, as my son turns into a teen, that I can see how baffled he must have been at my changing into this person who talked back and didn't take his word as gospel.  There was more to us than that though, he drank and that made him unpleasant.  Argumentative and so on.

But he was my dad and I love him.  And miss him.  I miss the size of him.  He was a bear of a man.  I miss his smell too, which is funny.  I miss how he loved Harry so much and I love the fact that having Harry brought us closer together again..  He held his hand the way he used to hold mine and showed him trees and birds and gave him the chocolate I'd asked him not to.  That's what granddads do though, isn't it?  Give their grandsons chocolate.

I just miss him.  I miss that he loved me and . .  loved me.  I miss having somewhere else to call home.  

I can remember playing games with him when we were kids, ludo, snap, him teaching us all how to play scrabble and beating us because he played to win.  I miss the times we used to spend going to the Eye and Ear Hospital when I was little.  Mam rarely took me, she had the other two to look after, so me and my da would go.  We never caught the bus, despite the hospital being ages away.  Ha, now as an adult I can appreciate that it bloody well was far away.  He knew all the parks in town and we always came home a different way.  Sometimes we ended p in the Lansdowne bar where I got a lemonade and a packet of crisps and played a dog?!  All I can remember is an auld fella with a black dog who always, always wanted crisps.

I also used to walk to the Insurance office with my dad.  It was in Ballsbridge and I used to love walking up the Doddder with him.  Especially in winter when it was dark out.  We were never allowed to stay up beyond 8pm and, if I went to pay the life assurance, I got to stay up til 9.  Mind you, once in the door I'd be hooshed up the stairs and never got to see what was on the telly.

Yeah.  I miss him and I love him.