15 April, 2016

.... and then I tried TRX

You know GerA, my gorgeous fabulous strong friend?  Well she does Rip60 which is pretty much TRX by a different name.  I conveniently forget that it's taken my mate a couple of years to get to a fitness level of legend!!  Ger is gorgeous and I want to be equally fabulous and strong (she once kicked me up the arse and it really, really hurt) so decided that 'yeah, I'd been going to the gym fairly regularly (i.e I joined it a week ago), I was ready for TRX'.    I was so ready for TRX I had booked a yoga class in for later ... so I could relax and stretch those achy muscles.
The blurb on the class says it's suitable for all ages, weights, fitness levels etc. etc.  
They lied! 
Apparently TRX was "Born in the Navy SEALs, Suspension Training bodyweight exercise develops strength, balance, flexibility and core stability simultaneously. It requires the use of the TRXSuspension Trainer, a highly portable performance training tool that leverages gravity and the user's body weight to complete 100s of exercises."
It also requires a certain level of fitness to start with and a better than I have sense of balance.
The class began with a gentle warm up (I went puce and thought I would die).  The lovely instructor made us do jumping jacks (WHY??) and I wasn't expecting to do jumping jacks ergo wasn't wearing er, any protection from peeing (kids ruin your bladder) and started being nervous.  I also hadn't copped, when I was picking my spot, that I was at the front of the class.  Right in front of the instructor who was teeny tiny and kept looking at me in a worried and perplexed manner.  The girl immediately behind me was trying it out for the first time so I felt relaxed.  Stupidly. She was fitter than me.
We did bicep work, tricep work, we did stuff with our shoulders, legs and .. fuck it was hard.  I exercised muscles I didn't know I had.  It all started to go tits up (literally) when we had to hook our foot into the strap, keeping the strapped suspended leg behind us, we were then to do lunges.  I explained that my balance was pants and er..... 'yeah, I'll give it a go, you're right, I won't know til I try it'.
I fell over.  And got tangled in my straps.  The instructor said 'you weren't lying about balance .... hey, you're not the trampoline girl are you?'.  AAAAARGH.  There is video footage of me boinging off the window. I explained that I was and she advised me to just do normal lunges and 'em, be careful'.  Everyone wanted to know about the trampoline.  I let the instructor tell them.  I went more puce. 
Then we moved onto floor work.  This means you sit on your bum, hook your feet into the straps, cross your right foot over your left and flip over onto your belly.  I got knotted.  Again.
Then you do press ups, mountain climbing or running and planks.  Whilst your legs are suspended.  Balancing on your arms!!!!!  Turns out I have no upper body strength.  I have noodles for arms.  I tried so hard, honest I did but I ended up faceplanting my er, face into the pretendy grass and ... fuck, I wish I could just have died.  Then it was onto stomach work.  I threw up!  I actually got so sore and was trying to hard I puked.  I made it to the loo but still, is there no end to the horror?
Finally it was time for cool down and stretches and I got tangled in my own legs again and ... no yoga.  Home.  I rang Ger and cried down the phone.  She laughed, kindly I hope, and said I was trying too hard and should have a little lie down.  I lay down and cried.

The next day I rang Ger.  I rang her to tell her I couldn't put my clothes on because my arms weren't working.  I swear to God that my arms were like cooked spaghetti, limp and long and useless.  If I thought my useless arms were the worst of my problems I was wrong.  Not only did my arms not work my stomach muscles seemed to have siezed up so the only way I could get out of my bed was to roll s-l-o-o-o-w-l-y onto my belly and slide out of the bed.  Good fuck, even worse was trying to stand up.  Nothing worked.  I'm not lying when I tell you I wore the same socks for three days on the trot because I couldn't bend to reach my feet.  I could change my knickers by shimmying but socks were a no go area. 
Oh, and when I needed to sit down and pee..... I looked like a giraffe trying to drink water.  Legs akimbo and stressed looking.  
The next day I was meant to go to spinning and pump.  That didn't happen.  Instead I moped, ate painkillers and cried softly into cake. 

p.s. It's now been three days and the only bit that is sore is the crook of both elbows.  Time to to back to the gym methinks.  

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