06 December, 2010

Things you miss

I'm on the cusp of turning 38 (which is cool 'cos last year I thought I was 38 not 37 so I'm a year younger than I thought) and right now I am utterly miserable.  
I'm frantic as I'm handing money out hand over fist for the market myself and M are taking part in. Two of them in fact.  Also, the webpage, business cards, car magnet thing and . . . . on and on.  This is making me nervous.  It's Christmas soon and there are things that need to be bought, like food and presents and . . .  nervous - we'll do it, but it's playing on my mind.
I haven't written one christmas card or bought one stamp.  There are important presents I'm still short on.  Nervy Mary here.
It's funny, I'm always upfront about this but I'm finding it oh so hard to write down (type down?) . . . I seem to be in the hold of depression.  Again.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAagh.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  Why the fuck does this thing feel the need to wrap itself so tightly around me I can't take a step without feeling like I'm being hobbled?  I'm one of the lucky ones, my depression is mild.  I know it's there, I treat it and I recognise when it's flaring so . .  I'm one of the lucky ones.  But it's making me so angry.  I want to walk freely and to get out of bed easily.  I know it's only going to last a few days but I hate it.  I hate not  being able to make a decision.  I hate not being able to concentrate. I hate not being able to sleep or, when I do sleep, waking up feeling as if I haven't slept in months.  I HATE IT!  Thing is though, when I can recognise it this clearly it means it's nearly over.  5 days of indecisiveness.  Hate it.  
To compound it all I want now is someone to mammy me.  Preferably my mam.  Who is dead nearly 14 sodding years. I just want her to stroke my hair and promise it'll get better.  I was lying in bed last night and she was all I wanted.  Funny that, if you're lucky enough to have a good ma you never, ever forget how the very essence of her makes you feel safe.
Instead I have Darren aka himself.  He's brilliant.  He can see me struggling and even though he is taking on EVERYTHING he isn't trying to hoosh me along by saying 'buck up, it'll get better, cheer up it may never happen' etc. etc.  As people so often do when they don't see you skipping down the street.
Thank you Darren, I think I'm coming out the other side.  I can't talk to you about it, really.  But thank you.

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