Bad day or Good day?

I don't know.

Woke up this morning with a sore head due to a night of nightmares.  My lovely friend Anna saved the day in my dreams (as she so often does in my life).  I'm tired.  I keep saying I'm going to bed early but no matter how hard I try I never do.  I get distracted by everything from the tv, the computer, a good book (that actually turned out to be a lousy nightmare inducing book) and cakes.

I'm trying to get the Perfectionist to really rock it this year and, touch wood, so far so good.  Only thing is. .  we have no income and I'm handing money out hand over fist to get all the things one needs to be truly an up and coming business.  Example:  Today I bought a printer, a cake stand and icing.  There will be no return on any of these things for a long while.  I don't hire the stands out really, mostly just use them for tastings and stuff and as for the printer, I need one.  It's getting too hard to trace images off the laptop screen!  Seriously!!!

I'm scared I guess.  Scared that it will fail.  Scared that it won't fail.  Scared that I see my kids less now that I work from home??  Scared, scared, scared.  And angry.

I'm angry because I'm the one doing this.  I thought when we paid off the mortgage that it gave me the freedom to play around a bit.  Dip in and out of the things I like doing.  I thought Himself would be the breadwinner and I would get to do what I want with the kids and have an easy life.  Very 1950's right?  Hey, I mean, I invested my entire inheritance (thanks Ma and Da) into setting us up and now it's all tumbled down.  I don't blame Himself or hold him responsible.  Jesus, that would be terrible.  I can see him twisting and worrying and trying his hardest to get back out there.  I'm just pissed off that I . . . well, fancy that?  It turns out one can't have it all no matter what that 'all' is.

Himself can't get a job despite his best efforts, and these are superior efforts let me tell you.  He's the one the kids tell stuff to now.  He's the one they call when something funny happens or they're not well.  Not me.  It hurts.  It's silly I know but it still hurts.  

My hobby has turned into a job and, whilst it's great I'm doing something I love, I don't think I'm loving it that much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I love to create and make but I don't think it's understood that you put your heart and soul into creating something that is a feast for the eyes and soul (yep, aware tummy comes into it too) and then you get harangued over price and you still work your arse off and not see your kids and . .  I'm scared.

And tired.  

And worried.

And scared

I think I'm having a bad day.

Right, reasons to be cheerful;

1. Kids are due home from school.  This equals hugs.
2. I got the printer up and running - without reading the instructions.
3. It's wild out there.  The wind is bashing the bunting and the birds are going mental.
4. I'm about to start baking, lots of yummy smells.
5. I'm healthy and so is everyone I love.
6. I've got Michael Jackson (I've become a fan - ta Oscar) playing and I'm loving it, despite the grunts and squeaks he makes).  
7. I now know not to blame it on the boogie.
8. My jeans sit better today, Kickboxing and lots of water and a lot less food appears to be working so.

That'll do for now.  Now, if I could get everything tidy and in it's place life would really rock.  LOL.  Yeah, scared or not I'll give it a lash.  Nothing ventured nothing gained etc. etc.

AND!!!  Dara O'Brian FF, is going to ring me today.  Love a good row with a politician.  Isn't it shit when you really like the politician and can appreciate what he's done for the community but hate the party he stands with?  If only he'd leave Fianna Fail he'd get my vote