23 May, 2012

Ok, so I was a bad mammy

In this photo you have a kid freakin' out, two kids taking the piss and a freakin' out dad.  Me?  I'm the one wetting myself laughing and trying to hold the camera steady.  Didn't do a great job on the 'steady' and lost my 'best mammy award' (from no. 3).
We had gone to the market in Howth on Sunday and the kids, nos. 2 and 3, had bought these hot spicy nuts (which resulted in no. 2 getting the scutters).  Himself had earlier eaten chicken that had been left on the counter all night without heating it up.  (This is background, vital you'll find).
We had been to Howth and decided to go and continue our day out in R&C's house in Rush.  We all left together but we got to their house first as they realised they had no biscuits and stopped in a shop to panic buy all the biscuits they could see. 
Whilst they were panic buying Himself started on about how he felt sick.  No. 3 started on about how he needed to poop.  I rang R&C and said 'sorry, going to hit road I have a puker-to-be in the car AND it's his own fault because he ate chicken without heating it up!!'  They said 'we're 3 minutes away, we had no biscuits, hang on?!'  So we did.  Himself, jokingly, said to no. 3 'Hey, if you need to poop I have a paper bag here' and no. 3 looked at him in disgust.  All of the lads got out of the car and Himself grew more green by the second and said 'I'm fine!!  It wasn't THE CHICKEN' when I said 'you shouldn't have eaten that chicken' for the 11th time.  
All of a sudden no. 3 leapt at the window of the car and shouted "I.  NEED.  TO.  POOP.  NOW!!!"  
So Himself, being closest, got out of the car and went over to him.  No. 3 wouldn't poop behind car and said he'd take the bag?! So we knew it was bad.  
That's when I dug out the camera.  
Then no. 3 said, 'nah, it's okay, I just need to pee'.  He actually said 'piss' but it breaks my heart to type it.  So he pulled his jeans down just enough to pull his willy out and started peeing.  Whereupon he started pooping.  At the same time.  Right over the top of his jeans and onto the grass.  Nos. 2 and 1 legged it and Himself started vomiting.  Into the neighbours hedge.  So I had a puker and pooper on my hands.  In my cousins garden and it was sooo funny.
I could hear R&C's car coming up the lane so I quickly scooped up the poop with the bag and shoved it in the boot of the car and thanked the Gods Himself had puked in the garden next door.  Jesus, I hope their neighbours weren't watching us.
We managed to get halfway home, all windows open, when I got a dreadful fit of the giggles.  No. 1 asked what I was laughing at so I told him.  "We have a bag of shit in the boot".  A gooey bag of crap!!!
Himself started howling at us to throw it out and no. 3 tried to throw himself out of the window because I was embarrassing him.  I pulled over and dumped the poop (pardon the pun).
Jesus, if no. 3 thought that was embarrassing wait'll he reads this when he's older.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA oh sweet jesus, I have tears rolling down my face laughing at this!

  2. I am an ok mammy I think. Ish.