18 July, 2012


When we were away I begged everyone to come to the beach with me 'just one more time, pleassse??'  But they all said 'no'.  I alone am the only one who really likes beaches.  Himself despises sand (as does the sister) and the kids had had enough.  So I decided I was going to Jade Beach.  The brother in law (BIL) had said it was beautiful but expensive??!  Either way, I had seen it on our way to Ladies Beach and it looked gorgeous, they'd built pier type things into the sea so you didn't have to touch sand.  All the sunbeds were white and wooden with huge yellow parasols (Himself kept insisting that I was wrong in calling them umbrellas.  Apparently an umbrella keeps the rain off but parasols keep the sun off.  Pedant.)
I got up bright and early on the Saturday morning, considered waking Fi but as she had only gotten into the house at 5am and it was only 9am I thought she might not be best pleased.  Off I toddled to the taxi rank and off to Jade I went.  I was dropped at the entrance and paid yer man and asked him to come back in three hours.  
Then I was charged 25TL to get into the place???  Wha'??  I also had to go through a metal detector.  I've paid less to get into gigs and clubs.  With less security too.
Eventually got to the sunbeds, having first passed through the beautiful avenue of flowers, past the outdoor rooms (think big decked areas with upright posts, all white of course, with white muslin billowing prettily and a massive chandeliers hanging in the centre.  Oh, and above big, white, leather sofas).  Past the uber hip bar and finally past the even hipper dj area.  
I selected a sunbed right at the end of the prom and moved the umbrella/parasol so that my legs might eventually get tanned enough to match the upper part of my body but yet keep the upper part of my body, in particular my poor knackered, burnt, nose out of the sun.  I shimmied out of my sarong and shimmied (in my retro 50's swimsuit) down to the steps into the sea.  
Right.  If they do away with the sand and set it up so that you end up stepping into 3 feet of water it also means that you don't get to inch your way into the water slowly and avoid all seaweed it means you immediately step onto the frickin' seaweed and I hate stepping onto seaweed.  Not the normal floaty stuff you get but the stuff that's actually growing on the seabed and may have stuff living in it.  
 Note:  I once went snorkeling off the coast of Africa (cackle, Tunisia) and nearly leaped back onto the boat when I found myself surrounded by feckin' fish.  Ugh.
I ended up swimming out to deeper water by swimming in a foot of water (to avoid standing on seaweed) to get away from growing stuff and potential fish/crabs/things that bite only to realise there is something that feels like not having fun to find yourself in the sea.  Alone.  With potential fish.  Swam for a while, felt like a saddo so doggy paddled back in.
Settled myself down, took some photos of the views and my toes (I love tanned toes) and ordered a coke.  Then cancelled the order for coke as it was going to cost 8 euro, ordered a water instead.  Healthier after all.
I got stuck into my book and, about 40 minutes later, I looked up.  I really, really wish I hadn't looked up.  Suddenly I was surrounded by The Beautiful People.  Surrounded.  
Surrounded by people who tanned evenly, they all had the skin of peaches, bums of peaches too now that I think of it.  
I really wanted to get back into the sea because it was unbelievably hot.  Somewhere in the region of 43C (you can bake at that temperature, cakes).  But I couldn't bring myself to walk past them.  I've since learned that the place is a favourite haunt of rich Turks.  Turkish yuppies?  
Christ.  There I am, feeling so out of my happy place.  
All the women are wearing electric colour bikinis, mostly consisting of string - I'd need a tow-rope.  I'm wearing a retro 50's pair of togs.
Their middle bits go on for ever.  My middle bit goes on for ever, only in a round/beach ball type of way.
They are the kind've women who go into the sea, swim, and yet come out looking cool and collected and their hair is still sleek and blow dried looking.  I look sodden just sitting on the sunbed.  And my hair is a disgrace.
They, The Beautiful People, never seem to sweat.  My ears were sweating for Christsake.  They wear make up in phenomenal heat without it dripping down their faces.  I wasn't even wearing make up and my face was dripping down my face.
Stuck it out for as long as I could and then looked at my watch. Fuck it anyway, I'd only been there an hour.  I had another two hours in the hell hole before my taxi came back for me.  
Decided that no one was bothered with me and slunk back into the sea.  Stayed there, in the sea, for an hour rather than have to slink back past TBP again.  So, by the time I did slink past them, I was wrinkled!!!!  There's no winning, is there?  
Finally it was time to leave to meet my taxi driver so I squelched (seriously, I did) off the sunbed.  Wrapped my sarong around me and put on my flip flops . . . .  only, y'see, I'd left my flip flops in the sun which meant that by the time my brain had registered the fucking searing heat of my shoes I was already in the midst of TBP which resulted in my dong the 'hothothothotfuckinghot' dance in the middle of them all.
I also squeaked.  I was so hot my body was squeaking as it rubbed against other bits of itself.  
I was definitely not one of the cool.  beautiful.  people.
But I was the one giggling the most.
photos my own


  1. doll looking very cuteeeeeeeeeee :)

  2. Ta very much lol. Made her myself for a cake competition.

  3. Eh you are one of TBP!! Okay a squeeky squelchy beautiful person and giggles always win in my book!!! x

  4. Ah, Ms. Urban, you've made my day. xxx