23 September, 2012

It's just like a big x-ray

That's what I told the lads I was having on Friday last.  A big x-ray.  Also told them I was getting some sort of nuclear injection that meant I couldn't stand near pregnant women for a few days.  Whereupon a mental discussion arose with no. 3 over 'Mam, what if I'm pregnant??'  Explained that he couldn't possibly be as he was too young, and er, male.  Then had an argument over why it wasn't fair men, boys, couldn't have babies.  All in all it took my mind off everything and I had the best nights sleep I've had in weeks.
As Himself was sick it was agreed that Ms. Urban would bring me to the hospital.  Actually, it was agreed before it was even known that Himself was sick that Ms. Urban would take me.  I'd taken her last year y'see and kept her mind off her worries so she felt it was right to return the favour.  Plus, I knew she wouldn't just snap at me 'stop worrying' and play with her phone for an hour.
Kept telling her to collect me at 10am but she insisted I was taking the piss and would be here at 9.30.  The appointment was for 10.30 after all.  We got to the hospital, I got lost, she didn't and we found ourselves in Area 4 where we sat down to wait. After a few minutes of nervous chatter (me) we noticed that the TV show Casualty was playing over our heads on the telly and there was a kid in an MRI machine.  The kid DIED in the MRI machine.  I legged it.  Ms. U could see what I was about to do and grabbed hold of me before I could really get off the seat and asked where I was going.  'To the toilet' I said.  Which was true.  I felt sick.  I gave her my bag as proof I was coming back.  Didn't tell her I had twenty quid tucked into my bra for emergency taxis.  Went to loo and, sorry, threw up.  Came back 10 minutes later to find yer wan looking over the Area 4 partition like an Ostrich.  So funny, just her head twisting this way and that trying to work out where I was.  She'd worked out that giving her my bag was a decoy.
Anyway, a nice nurse lady came out and gave me and the gentleman waiting for a MRI a clipboard with a long ribbon-y thing on it that we were to answer questions on.  I can't remember what question 9 was but myself and Ms. U read it as 'vaginal nerve simulater'  Yeah, seriously.  We obviously both wanted one of those.  It wasn't though, obviously.
After we'd trashed about in our pockets/bags for a pen to fill in the form we noticed . . . at the end of the long ribbon-y thing was a pen.  Turned out me and the gentleman had both failed the first test.
A nurse came out and called 'Niamh Geraghty' and I leapt up.  I got such a fright I farted.  I am so classy.  
I went into the room and sat where I was told and promptly knocked over a partition wall and frightened the bejaysus out of everyone.  Stupid thing was just leaning against my chair.
Then it was time to go into the room, official, and have my 'big x-ray' done.  Holy shit.
First off, all I could think of was 'I'm not going to fit into that tiny fucking tube'.  Second thing was 'I don't want to fit into the tiny tube.
Up I went onto the bed and the technician told me 'It's very noisy, so here's some earplugs I'm going to lean against your ears.'  Seriously, she didn't push them into my ears, just leaned them against my ears.  I went to shove them in and she barked 'NO MOVING'.  Then the bed moved and, before you knew it, I had my face locked under a cage thing and was being hooshed backwards into a tube.  Thank God my arse fit.  That was one of my biggest fears.  More than the tight space, the noise, the result etc, I was afraid my arse wouldn't fit.  
When you are lying in the very tight little tube with a cage over your face I found you were best keeping your eyes tight shut and imagining you were on the middle of a building site.  The machine sounded like a kango hammer.  There was a 30 minute scan, a three minute scan and then 4, FOUR, four minute scans.  I think I managed to keep my shit together until the end of the three minute scan.  I had been hanging on to the edges of the tube and suddenly I was being pulled deeper into the tunnel/tube thing.  Ugh.  I opened my eyes and then burst into tears.  It was like being in a coffin.  Or a toilet roll.  It was a very tight, noisy space.  Plus I was terrified my coil would rip through my belly.  On the upside I was kind've hoping they'd find my missing pin (long story involving cakes being remade etc. because I lost a bubble pricking pin).
I closed my eyes again and towards the end of the second last four minute scan I opened them and looked into the mirror that shows me the room the doctors/technicians/nurses/patients/everyone except me are in.  Holy fuck.  There was around 8 people in scrubs and uniforms staring at the screen and doing the stroke-y chin thing..  I nearly peed myself.  After what felt like an eternity of looking at the monitor, stroking their chins and looking up at me (I had myself dead and buried at this stage) they all suddenly burst out laughing!!!????  Bastards.  Either they were winding me up over scaring the bejaysus out of them by knocking the wall over or they were looking at kitten videos on YouTube.
Finally it was all over and I was out of the tube and trying to sit up.  Before the cage thing was unclicked from over my face.  Yeah, I am that graceful.
The technician said 'you seemed a bit nervous'.  Told her the only way it could have been any worse or terrifying was if they'd chucked a spider in with me.
I'll have the results in 6 weeks.  SIX weeks.  If I'm really unlucky I'll have them in two.

Oh, and the first thing no.3 said to me when I came home?  "Are you sure I'm not pregnant mam??"

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