22 December, 2012

Tempus Fugit

I've been feeling under pressure lately.  Some of it is down to it being my big birthday and I'm feeling my mortality but most of it is down to busy-ness.
We, just about, pulled it off cake-wise.   I don't know how many puddings in the past three weeks, two markets (which failed, miserably) and then the normal cakes.  HImself had a tooth out and he was out of action, ish, he makes the puddings so he only got minimum time off.  I'm a hooer to work with.  I lost M which added a bit to my workload but that couldn't be helped.
Then there was school runs, accounts, invoicing, sickness, migraines and all the usual shite that goes with being a mother.  One who works from home as well.
I don't know why I'm telling you this, I think I just want to explain why I haven't been here.  I've been told a lot lately that I'm not being a good friend, sister, wife, mam etc. but I can only tell everyone I'm doing my best.
I can't begin to explain how guilty I've felt over how I've been with the kids for the past, oooh ... ages.      They kept asking me to 'look at this, that and the other', 'play cadoo, please mam.  You promsised'  'Read me a story" and on and on.  I've been up to my ears in cake.  I tried explaining that I had to (have to) work like this right now because freelancers can't turn down work.  Funny, just talking to other cakers the other day and they were all in the same boat and all shocked to find that Christmas Day is actually next Tuesday.  AAArgh.  The great thing about knowing other cakers is hearing that we're all in the same boat.  All of us going nucking futs and paddling like mental ducks.
It's shitty but it's my life and I wish people would understand.  Most do but some really don't.  I'm doing the best I can but, Jesus, if I can't give my kids time how am I meant to have any for anyone else?  I do want to go and have a cuppa with you, I'd love to hang out but, especially, at this time of year I can't.  
That's the funny thing about working from home.  People assume because you're at home you are just hanging out.  They also assume that, because you make cakes, you really are only busy on the Thursday, Friday and Saturday of the weekend (you know you are a cake decorator if you hate Fridays and love Mondays!).  But, I have quoting, IT stuff, accounts, phone calls, emailing, advertising, studying (yup, have to keep up with the times) etc.  Oh, don't let me forget the endless quoting that sometimes turn into jobs.  Am I making excuses?  I don't know, honestly I don't but I do know that there isn't enough time for everything and I am doing the best I can.  Perhaps someone can help me with my time management???  Any offers?
Boys, I'm doing my best, I promise you I am.  I am sorry I am so tired and constantly saying stuff like 'give me five minutes, will you love?'  I am trying to get my shit together and be more organised and I know you know that I love you very much.  I know that you love me very much and I know that you know that I am only human (yiz know because I keep telling you lol) and that I'm doing as well as I can do it.  I really wish me and your dad had've made you when we were younger.  Hard going, when you are sitting on top of that hill, to have the energy you want from us.  Like, seriously, do you have to get up so early???
Phew, have that off my chest now.  Have honestly been feeling quite brutal about my time issues but, now you know, I m paddling like buggery and we'll get there.  In the end. xx

No comments:

Post a Comment