11 June, 2014

Be careful what you wish for

Years ago, when I was working and years ago when the boys were small and constantly needed me, all I wanted was a couple of hours alone.  Just a couple of hours to get things done in the house and sit and read a book.  Go shopping, anything.  Just be alone.
Fast forward 6 years and here I am.  Alone.
No. 1 is in bed, he will be up and out within an hour.  Won't see him until 6pm.  Nos. 2 and 3 are at school and, when they come home, they too will be out and about and having fun.  Himself is at college.
Me?  I'm home.  Alone.  And.  Bored, and dare I say it?  Lonely.
I always imagined, when I got to the point where the kids still needed me but needed me less I'd have a nice life going for myself.  I thought I'd be either going to the gym or meeting mates for coffee.  I thought I'd be working part time at a job I enjoy and only do because I want to get out of the house for a couple of hours whilst the kids are at school.
Yeah, not how it all turned out.  I do have a part time job (ish), I make cakes.  This means I am busy Thursday and Friday.  Nothing too taxing (unless it's communion season).  The rest of the time I do housework.  I swear to God, I am living ground hog day.  Every day I get up, empty dishwasher, load washing machine, hoover, dust, grumble about kids not feeding animals or picking up after themselves.  Pick up all the dog pooh in the garden and .  .. it's still not 11.30.  Kids don't finish school until 2.30.  So, for 3 hours I . .  dunno what I do.  Upload stuff to itunes, sort out photos online for an album I don't have the money to print.  Just hang around I guess.
I am starting to dislike caking.  I'm not enjoying it so much anymore, don't get me wrong, I still get a buzz out of creating something but . . . it doesn't even pay minimum wage.  I want a job where I get paid a proper wage and people appreciate what I do without constantly haggling lol.  But I can't do that yet because Himself is in college.  I am starting to resent him too and that's not really fair, is it?  He gets to go out and meet people and do stuff every day, okay so it's college work but he still gets to leave and do something.  I don't.  Most of my friends, kids in same age group, have returned to work.  The ones who don't work  yet have smaller kids, so they hang out with other mams with smaller kids.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
This is not how I planned it.  I am bored and lonely and fucking fed up with my lot.  I am fed up at having no money, I am fed up with increasing costs to live, what has become, a boring life.  When Himself lost his job I said 'as long as we can put petrol in the car we'll be grand'.  It's becoming harder to do that.  
I know I'm not alone in being broke, half the country is up shit creek but christ, it makes everything so grim.  

Right, it's 10.45.  Time to empty the washing machine and hit the menopausal mile.  I believe that is what the walk from Malahide to Portmarnock is called.  You know?  Being a Malahide Housewife isn't all it was cracked up to be.

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