I don't know who was more upset

Yesterday, I killed Santa.  

I still feel sick.

I still have a headache.

I feel like the worst person on the planet.

Harry had his confo photos taken yesterday and, after they were done, we came home to hang out for an hour before I dropped him at the cinema where he was meeting his mates.  In that hour he lost a tooth.  I really, REALLY, wish he hadn't lost that tooth.  If he still had that tooth attached to his head Santa would still be alive.

He asked me what he should do with the tooth.  I said "under your pillow for the tooth fairy?!"  To which he said "MAM!?!?", so I said "Easter Bunny" . . He said "?!?!" ..... then we eyeballed each other for a few minutes before I said "Santa?"  He looked at me, I looked at him and he started to cry.  I told him that we needed to have a chat and explained what was what.  He kept crying and saying "....but . . does that mean . . . what???"

So, I started crying.  Fuck, but did I start to cry.  In the end I think he got over the whole revelation far quicker than I did.  I went to bed as soon as I could, 10pm, as my heart was broken. 

I am such a sap. 

I rang Darren, whilst he was food shopping, and he thought, due to the fact I was sob-coughing-crying on the phone that something bad had happened.  Er, hello???  SANTA is no more you bastard!!!!  Apparently "Harry had to find out sometime."  Fecker.  Karen was very practical too, as was Ger and Sinead.  Carol wasn't answering her phone and Lily was at the doctor and I forgot to ring Anna.  Can you see how much of an issue this is/was for me? 

I took Harry to the cinema early and, while in the car, asked him if he'd like to go for a hot chocolate or something.  He said "No, I'm fine."  Then, he took a look at me, with my puffy, red eyes and said "Mam, would you like to go for a hot chocolate?"  

"Yes, yes I would".

I love my boy so much and I am NEVER EVER telling anyone else anything that big again.  EVER. I came across this letter ages ago and thought 'I'm going to need this one day', didn't realise I'd need it less than a year after I first read it.  I've put my spin on it but . . yeah, I have this for Harry, for next November when everyone is getting excited and he knows.  He knows that he is Santa.

Dear Harry,

I am so sorry to tell you that there is no one Santa.  That it's me who fills your stocking.  That it's me who picks and wraps the presents that go under the tree, the way my mam did for me and her mam did for her (dad helps too by the way).

I know, hope, that one day you are going to do this for your kids.  I know you are going to love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning (having spent most of the night yourself on tenterhooks that they are never EVER going to go asleep).  You are going to love seeing them sitting in a pile of wrapping paper their faces huge with excitement.  

This won't make you Santa though.

Santa is way bigger than any one person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us has lived.  What Santa does is simple but powerful.  He teaches kids to believe in something they can't see or touch.

It's a huge job and a really important one.  Through your life you will need this ability to to believe.  Believe in yourself, your friends, your talent, your family.  You'll need to believe in things you can't measure or hold in your hand.  I know, I know, your mam is s sap but, bear with me.  I'm talking about love, that great magic that will light you up from the inside out, even when you're scared.

Santa is a teacher and I am his student and, now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve.  He has help from all the people whose hearts he has filled with love and magic.

Myself and your dad take turns helping Santa to do a job that would be impossible without us.

So, no, there is no one Santa.  Santa is love and magic and happiness and hope and excitement and wonder.  I'm on his team and now  you are too.  

Harry, my love, you are Santa.

Love you always,

Mam xxx

Going for a lie down now.  

Hmmmmmm

I feel so low today it's not funny.  It's the first day in weeks I've sat down and actually watched the news.  I've only watched it because I don't have the energy to go to bed.  I wish I had've made myself go up those stairs.  Okay, so I wouldn't be blogging right now but nor would I be feeling so helpless.

Gaza.  100 people killed. 

Syria.  120 people killed.

Eygpt .  47 children killed on a train line - the gates weren't working.  

That's a lot of people who are no longer breathing in the world today.  The Syria story never made the news, Gaza far more interesting.  I follow what's happening in Syria as it's not a million miles away from where my sister's in-laws live.  It breaks my heart.

Man's inhumanity to man.  Tonight I'll hold my babies especially close.

Jamie Cullum - What A Difference A Day Made

I love this song.  My aunt Lily hates it.  It was playing when she left the hospital shortly after Willie, my uncle, died.  Now whenever I listen to it I can feel him close to me.  Strange huh?

Stranger still, this morning I got a text from my lovely friend Mandy.  Her mum passed away this morning.  As she was telling me my ipod skipped to this song.  I only met her mum a few times but she was a true lady.  Her daughter has turned into a very good friend and I am heartbroken for her. 

So, for Mandy and my uncle Willie, one of my favourite songs.  It makes smile.  A sad smile but still a smile, which is always a great thing.

Wassup?

Nothing really.  Spent most of this morning making apple tarts and biscuits.  Owed a friend a pie and I had frozen cookie dough in the fridge so . . . I have chocolate crackles, snickerdoodle cookies and Apple pie for me, sorry, us.

Spent most of yesterday in a jocker.  Am so tired and tired and emotional and I fucking hate Valentines Day. I don't know why but I do.  Boys made me beautiful cards and Himself, well, Himself got me nowt.  He never does.  We never do.  But this year I kind've hoped for something.  I bumped into my lovely friend K. yesterday whilst leaving TK Max (I just knew I'd meet her) and I burst into tears.  

Obviously there is more going on than I am prepared to say but yesterday was a wash out.  Plus, and this really annoys me, there was great drying out and I had (nothing like a temper to make you lash through your housework) stripped all the beds.  Shame I went to bed and missed said great drying.  Pissing rain today.  Aaagh..  

Yup, Himself and myself are drifting along and it's not so happy.  He's unhappy with his lot and I'm unhappy with the fallout.  He's not being affectionate, in any way, and I miss cuddles and kisses and hugs and kisses.  He won't talk about it and gets pissed off that I'm upset.  Which makes him more upset and ....... hello vicious circle. 

But today I baked and filled the house with the delicious smell of cinnamon.  Being the nice person that I am, I brought some biscuits in to K.  Who, being equally lovely, game me some lovely lotions and potions to pamper myself with.  Good old fashioned TLC as she says.  I am so glad I met her, she is one of life's good people.

Ms. Urban Stems is in Clare and buying up boots galore and I am green with envy.  Two pairs for €70?!?!?!  Harumph.

Right, going to be good and empty and reload dishwasher.  Going to try and NOT eat any more cake and I'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Jesus

Himself went to the supermarket.  He's been at home for the past 9 days with me and the kids for company while he waits for a job to start up after Christmas.  He's not taking it well.  So much so that he volunteered to go to the supermarket as he hasn't been out of the house all day.  Ooooh, I remember that.  When even a trip to to the supermarket could become the event of the week.  Now I simply hate being stuck with kids or stuck in a supermarket where the kids who work there don't know where anything is never mind WHAT it is.  

I digress.  He came in in wretched form because today someone killed two women and their two kids in Limerick.  And a man killed his children before killing himself in Cork.

Now we're both in wretched form.  Fucking hell.  How could you kill your kids?  I know your mind would probably be broken but . . . They're your kids.  They trust you with their life!  How could you take it?  

I'm going to bed now.  The world became a sadder place tonight.  #3, as you know, has been driving us mad but I am so glad he is alive and well and mine.  He will end up in our bed tonight but reckon he'll stay for the cuddle.  Me and himself will need that cuddle.

Can't stop crying

I just went over to Lee to see what the story is re. breakfast on Friday and when exactly are they moving to Australia.  Whilst talking to her it hit me.  One of my best mates (and her lovely family) are moving to the other side of the world.  Now I can't stop crying.  I am utterly, utterly heartbroken.  Seriously, my heart hurts and I can't stop crying.  Trying to be a big girl and talk sense into myself but I've known her for, ooh, 4 years (not many some would say) but she's had a huge impact on my life.

She's brought me to the hospital with concussion.  I've brought her with same.  I've brought Gwen with a broken collarbone and we've both put Gwen to bed lol.  She held my hand whilst I was drunk in Lara's trying to give up minding Charlie and well, we obviously drink too much.  Sometimes.  We have laughed and cried together.  Picniced and paddled and gone to the zoo and I am so going to miss her crazy cackle.  Sodding time difference means it'll be fucking impossible to have a drink whilst talking on the phone.  Unless one of us is going to start drinking in the daytime haha.

Aaaaagh, my heart hurts.